Again
I've done it again.Je suis foutu.
I've trampled all over myself.
I found that old fear. I thought it was gone. I lived without fear for a long time now. And now it came back, did its work, and went dormant again.
I fear of doing damage. I can be relentless and efficient at doing things. I can run over you like a steam-roller. Or do you a favour very fast. Etc. But it's that steam-roller effect I fear. I've trampled on people like this before. Nothing big, minor things, I believe and hope they're all healed by now. But my fear of repeating it isn't.
It hurts me when I get aware I've trampled over someone. It hurts me even more than if I trample over myself. The series of episodes hurting people made its toll. I can't express myself anymore without verifying with everyone if it's okay. In effect I'm locked down. I tell myself I can't do it, I might hurt someone, it could end with all the wrong things and appearances.
The awareness that someone suffers because of me is unbearable. So I get out of my way in any way I can to facilitate everyone with everything I can, and then vanish silently. If a decision affecting other people lies on me, then I start feeling very uncomfortable. Luckilly business decisions are not like that. If only I could apply the same rigor I use at work to people. I did once. But people are not machines. I find it extremely hard to cope with hurting people. So I'm very undecisive.
The thing is I still get those impulses. I simply know when a person desires something. I can "read" people. But acting on it is different. It's not compatible with what I just described. So I get blind on occasions. When it's up to me to act. Here. Now. I fear it. So I probe the area if it's alright for me to do it. But I wouldn't have to ask for confirmation if I wouldn't be blind. I can see it, but I don't have the trust to believe it. It's a magic circle. So I was rejected. Again. I'd say dumped, but it wasn't that serious. There was no negative connotation. If only there weren't for all the confusion in my head. Yes, those confused posts this week were all about this. I felt on a subtle level what I have to do, who I have to be, who I want to be, who I really am, but the fear was too great. Will I ever transform that fear into something beautiful?
I don't trust myself on this area. This is the trust I lack. I trust other people with myself. Sure they can do damage to me. As much as I allow them. They can never destroy me though. There is noone and never will be anyone that could destroy me. It means I have no fear of others hurting me. Whatever decision is fine with me. If it comes out I don't like it then I tailor it according to my needs. Or roll it back. Or apply a counter measure. It's likely I'll estrange from the person doing wrong decisions, but it's not a rule I abide by. It matters what the person is like. It's possible the person will continuously do wrong decisions and I'll just go on correcting them. In such a scenario it is likely my hidden personality will kick in and set matters straight. The steam-roller effect. And I'll probably suffer more because of it than the person I trampled over. Not so much because I did damage, I'll always try to apologise, repair what I've messed up, or at least stop and do nothing if I'm in no position to help anymore. I never caused anything life-destroying or anything even close to it, but it reminds me of my ability that I can. It terrifies me.
To tell you the truth I could probably easilly count on my fingers all the situations I ever caused any suffering. Most of the things I've done right. It's just that in some situations I just failed. Made an error. I could think of excuses: I was busy, stressed, didn't have time, or just didn't feel it's right. But that's not important. I messed it up. Sometimes the way I messed it up gave me an insight how terribly messy I am able to be, and how terribly that could manifest itself.
In the new age talk you could say I carry within myself unexpressed masculine energy. It's right under the hood. Wanting to come out in the open, to express itself in all its majesty. But the thing is, the masculine is a restless energy, it wants to create, do, and unfocused or applied clumsily it can result in tragedies.
And now I'll resort back to my empty heart and peaceful mind. After I've chewed on this for a few days. Or weeks. Like the last time. Until the next situation like this emerges. I was given such a gorgeous gift, an opportunity to be me, with someone else. And I just couldn't, I was afraid. Although I couldn't get more explicit statements not to be afraid. I need help here. But that's contradiction in itself.
Can I get some help?
posted by AlesS @ 9/18/2004 08:34:00 AM
5 Comments:
It's not easy, you know. I need time. And the first person that has to give me some time is myself. But I always plunge in it with full weight and only afterwards see I have to take it slow. It's such an awkward thing. I just don't know how to start. I can't even explain it properly. It's such a slimy thing. It's a damn thin line I'd have to walk. Separating what I am now from the opposite. And I'll always be error-prone nevertheless.
Yea, right. As if I aren't now. It's very confusing for me. As I can see both sides. All sides. It's easy when you're single-minded. But I don't wish to be that.
That's the simple theory.
And I simply need assistance.
Alone there's no meaning.
Alone I'll persist in equanimity. Forever. With fear I don't understand. Because it's not there when I'm alone.
Dude just what IS going on man?
Renewal.
Renewal of... ?
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