Thursday, September 30, 2004

Regretting

Crap. I've exhausted myself too much yesterday. There's this local hill that's just perfect for an exercising jog or run, lots of paths all over it. Yesterday I've ran all accross it and then around it. Okay, not all around, only semi-circle, since I already ran accross it. I assumed my old tempo from 3 years ago. This tempo just fell naturally to me as I dropped my reservation from one day previously when I watched very carefully not to overdo myself. And I didn't run as far then. I felt well, and health improved the next day, so I thought, what the heck, let's try the real thing. But this damn tempo is too much for my present condition. There were quite a few times I had to stop because I ran out of breath. Then I started to run again, with a slower pace, but after about 3 minutes I noticed myself running with that old faster pace, and I slowed down again... And story repeated itself a few times. 60 minutes elapsed between me leaving the flat and returning, which is phenomenal for what I endured in my present condition. But it was too much. I slept very bad, faintly, I've wakened up a lot, I was simply too exhausted to sleep. And today my nose is itching me the whole day. Damn damn damn. I'm not exercising today, I even left out the karate class. Not only energy, I don't even have the time. I've spent 4 hours in the morning playing the navigator for my sister, showing her where the student organisation is, showed her literally to the student office providing students with info on available rooms for rent, escorted her to check out one such room, then we once got to a place, but she didn't have the exact address, and the woman renting the room sounded a bit weird, and the surroundings there didn't feel right, and, well, the whole thing was for nothing, time wasted, and then next we got to a place but she forgot the name of the person, and she didn't write down even the contact phone number, so I was like... err... dumbstruck, since freaking out wouldn't help. She didn't have a photo for the monthly bus pass, so I've shown her to a photographer which made her 4 photos for documents. Then I showed her where to go to have the bus pass done. It was over noon when I couldn't ignore my absence from work anymore, luckilly we were near my office. And, of course, my sister came with me to the office to browse the web for additional info for available rooms. That student organisation has its database on available rooms accessible over the web, which is good. My sister was commenting to me and asking me something about every damn advert, which is bad. I had to even come up with an answer on how to reach her faculty department, which is based far out of the town. Doh, I don't know why I was so eager to find a bus, when there are about 20 trains each days there and back. 25 minutes and she's there. With the train. All in all, it was 14:00 when she left. I just lost hope then I'd get anything done today. Because then I was providing the help line for her on where something is, where she is, and how to get anywhere. And she had a detailed map. And yes, she can even read those numbers and street names on plates attached to every building. Surprising.
I'm just... exhausted. I shouldn't have overexhausted myself yesterday. And my schedule for today is blown apart. And I'm providing my sister with a place to sleep. She's got some stuff to take care of at her faculty tomorrow, and then she'll probably go on the room hunt again. I'll have to leave her out in the cold tomorrow; now she knows enough about the whole town so she should have no problems. I have too much work, now that I did only half of the stuff planned for today. Man, when I look at her I just don't know how the hell did I manage. For as much as I can tell, I just came to town, bought myself a map, and went on and about. It was just... simple! And she's having it even more simple, with all the student material for freshmen she got from the local student organisation when she enrolled. I didn't have that.
Shit, my whole body is asleep from yesterday, I'm still at the office, will be for at least an hour, and then I'll just go home and drop into bed. I pray to goddess to restore my energy for tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Reiterating

This morning felt as if I have awakened in a pool of water. In the wrong season. Cold and wet. I haven't been sweating so much since I was... what, 8 and having the flu? Damn, I could easilly squeeze out water. Or something. Otherwise I feel a bit better than yesterday, but there's still something walking up and down my throat. Today was just like yesterday, only shifted for half an hour towards morning. ;) And now, back to bed... Tomorrow my sister is coming to town searching for a place to stay as she starts her freshman year at the uni. Hm, time to introduce flexibility and reserve to the schedule. ;)

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Rescheduling

I just cooked some rice, found a can of tuna, some garlic (I eat lots of garlic), and since I'm eating at the moment, I have time to press a key here and there. ;) Yep, I'm throwing all non-essential things out from my inefficient chaotic schedule. Maybe I'll reintroduce some of them later, when I'm feeling better. Web-browsing is a goner. Except when hunting for info. Procrastination is being reduced towards nothingness. This requires some damn disciplined mind. I lost count of how many times I told myself today to "do something!" :] The result for today is that I was at the office at 9:45 am, I have already done shopping, had a 70-minute run/jogging, a few push-ups and such, and now I finished eating something rich in carbo-hydrates. ;) I found 1L of milk in the fridge that expired yesterday. It's very slightly ultra faintly sour, but I like it sour. I'll drink it all now. That's for some proteins. :] Hmmmm... I'll mix it with some food supplement for weight gain. And I must remember to buy some more milk tomorrow. Years ago there were times I occasionally drank 2L of milk in one day. I like milk. But not some damn UHT or homogenised and/or whatever milk. UHT (Ultra High Temperature) milk has been everything but burned. It even tastes burned. You know milk is homogenised when it has a smoooooooth texture. Um, that is, no texture. White water. Burned white water. Real (good) milk has things floating in it. Um, white fat things. ;) Now that I found a shop selling milk that was only pasteurised (= boiled), yay! Milk, here I come!
My throat and nose are slightly better, but still not healthy. Perhaps I'm on a right track here. :)
And now I'm off to bed. Yes, I already finished the milk. This schedule is still not good enough and I need to get healthy.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Recuperating

Wow, I didn't know I have a readership that eagerly awaits my new posts. ;) Anyway, not to disappoint you, here's another post.
I have a slightly sore throat. Some damn cold or whatever. My nose is all scabby. I'm not certain, but I believe it's because I don't eat enough. Food just doesn't "attract" me. I usually eat when I'm dead hungry--it simply doesn't occur to me it would be good to eat sooner. It's okay during the summer but as soon as temperatures fall I think my body just doesn't have sufficient energy anymore, certainly not with my eating habit. This weekend I started to choose mostly food rich with carbohydrates and proteins, and choose it often. It's a bit time-consuming, but I think I'm on the right track. Despite the troublesome throat I've been highly productive at work today and some vitality returned to me. For some reason I've been full of adrenaline the whole day up till now. That never happened to me before... odd. I've been typing on that computer like a maniac. ;) Oh, and I really don't like it when a customer changes specs so that I have to rewrite one of the fundamental layers of an application. Damn bothersome and evil--such changes have to be applied mega-carefully or you can easilly break something. Not to say you also have to find all the pieces using the damn layer, and then change them accordingly. Good noone else was at the office today. I catched myself a few times cursing real bad. ;)
Since Davin seems über-busy in Singapore I must be my own schedule-manager. :] Therefore I'll order myself to bed now. I need to get healthy.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Twilight Zone

I woke up the first time. "Eh, it's still dark outside... zzzz...." I woke up for the second time. "Hm. Wait. What's the time? 08:10? But it's still dark... zzz..." Then something shot through me and I woke up again. "Wait, it's past 8 am?! What? 08:30 already? But... the darkness!" So I looked through the window and perhaps for the first time in my life were wishing to have something to take a photo with. Nasty clouds, dark clouds, heavy clouds, clouds all over the sky, a dark grey cloudorama! Dude, for a moment I thought the apocalypse is coming. And the city felt all quiet, alone, static, grey. No wind, no traffic, no people. Whow, now that's an emotional sight.
And now, let me hurry to work... I need a schedule manager, someone to constantly kick me in the butt and yell at me: "Hurry up! Wake up! Do something! Don't just stare at clouds! What are you, a fish? Take a shower! Dress up! Buy something to eat! Catch a bus! Work! Make that module! Don't stare throught the window! Forget about birds! Make another module! Debug this thing! Don't yawn and sit back! Your vacations will never come! Now, write the report!"

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Provocation

Ha! Just got a provocative e-mail showing scans from a geography textbook used in former Yugoslavia, dating back to 1958. The last scan shows the border between then Yugoslav republics and highlights a part of border between Slovenia and Croatia near the sea. Let me just say that today the border is significantly northern, Slovenia having smaller amount of the seaside. ;)




Compare this last image with this, for example. ;->

Yes!

Mind discipline!
Mind, discipline yourself! Stop yawning!
I see I have to be ferocious about this.

In other news, there was an incident at our border with Croatia. There's one person living just on the border, and to visit him you have to pass the Slovenian border control, but not the Croatian border control. You have to go over a disputed piece of land. This man is a Slovenian and is very loud about it, annoyingly to Croatians. A few politicians went to visit him yesterday. On return when passing that land a few Croatian policemen apprehended them, one of them rather violently. Now they're saying some heads will roll because Slovenian police didn't intervene, didn't react at all. Well, what the hell did they expect? Immediate cavalry arrival and a shootout like in wild west? Are they nuts? No cops have anything to do on no-man's land. Croatians will get a few condemnations, don't worry, but to expect our policemen would come help wrestle off the annoying croatian party is just stupid.

Time

My boss told me we should be able to stall one project to give me about two weeks for a few other projects. There's simply not enough time to do it all. I barely have the time to sleep. Yesterday I came home at about 19:30, found a flatmate that was just going for shopping, joined him (he has a car), bought a trunk-load of beverages (coming birthday party preparation), then we went to have pizza, and when we came back the time was already 23:00. Today I got up around 08:30, and now I'm ready to leave for work. Check the time of the post. Bejasus. Today I'll be home at around 19:30 again, and I have karate training at 20:30.... and I'll get home a bit after 22:00, take a shower, make me some supper, and well, it will be midnight by the time I get to bed.
Where do I find some time?!
And food...?

And this is the second retry at posting this damn thing! Naughty Blogger, you devillish bastard, work!

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Pfftooey

Wow, the Generation Trance site was nicely redesigned, and there are quite a few new mixes there. Most notably, now there are also mixes done by Project C, not just DJ GT. From what I've gathered, they're brothers, and have done the last set of 4 CDs together. Now that's interesting. I'm downloading at full throttle. ;) I've already downloaded and listened to Strange Roads 2004 by Project C and I quite like it.
In other news, I can't seem to get rid of my sore throat or something. Others sneeze and blow their noses when they catch a cold, I have a sore throat. And feel feeble. Crap. Well, it's not a sore throat as most of the people know it. I know what a real sore throat is like. But this feels more like an uneasiness and dryness in throat, perhaps even to do something with vocal cords. Nothing nasty, I just sound funny from time to time. ;) And am feeble. Maybe I should eat more. Often I get aware I'm hungry only after I can hear my stomache moaning at me: "giiivee meee fooooood... fooooood..." I never really developed fondness for any food. The other day Davin (happy birthday!) asked me what my favourite dish is and I just couldn't think of any. There is none! It just... depends on... I don't know. Today I like pizza, tomorrow a bowlorama of salads with heavy dressings, the next day I'll fancy a basket of apples, and so on...
I went jogging on Sunday at 9 am and felt wonderful afterwards. Well, after I also ate a huge pile of somethings out of the fridge and rested a bit from the endeavor of fridge-devouring. And sweat a bit. Now that I thought was odd, but then I felt some tackling in my throat and thought, "ah, I knew I should exercise more, haha, dear cold, kiss my throat bye-bye." Yesterday I felt great. After I started the day like an old diesel on a freezing winter day. Today... ermm... I already woke up ultra-sleepy. Must have been the residual effect of only 4 hours of sleep from the previous night. It was mega-dumb to try Earl Green at midnight on Sunday. Yummy tea. Sleepless night. Fucked-up health. So, remember, never try a new brand of tea at midnight. Especially if you're not fully physically fit to face the consequences. :]
My sister got news from the student dorms. She was put on a list of new-residents-to-be and it doesn't look rosy to me. She's waaaay down on the list. Well, not at the bottom, actually almost exactly on the middle of the list, but according to past years' dynamics she'll be able to move in in... ummmm... half a year? Well I told her the facts and I'll cal her tomorrow after she's thought about it a bit.
And now I have to get my health back together. I think I'll (re)start jogging regularly now. My resilience has dropped in the past 2 years. Difficult years... without much of physical activity.
And I have to make plans for my coming birthday! Aaaiiieeee! October 10th is right behind the corner. And some friends have already asked me when will I throw my traditional b-day party. ;) Only... my room is in such a mess... Oh my...
I'll just go home now and do something about my health. Drat, scrap that, I didn't finish programming a module yet... Sometimes I wonder if I'm too good. I have SO MUCH of work to do. Looks like another magic circle. Yummy. I love magic circles. Perhaps a wee too much.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Horoscopes

I don't read horoscopes because they're usually all dry, without a meaning, not before, not after, full with some garbage I can't and don't want to identify with. But there's one exception to this rule, I occasionally check the Free Will Astrology site, and not just because of the horoscope as you'll see if you check it out. It often hits the spot for me; I don't know how that's possible, but it happens. I checked it just now and I had to read it a few times to believe it. Here's what it says for Libra, for the week of September 16:

"I lost the plot for a while," says a character in Nick Hornby's novel, High Fidelity. "And I lost the subplot, the script, the soundtrack, the intermission, the popcorn, the credits, and the exit sign." I'm betting you could have said something like that recently, Libra. The story of your life seemed to have been whisked out from under you and banished to the wilderness on the outskirts of limbo, where the wasteland meets no man's land. That's the bad news. The good news is that while you may never recover the plot you started with, you'll soon find a brand new one that's better than the original.

Shit. Whatever. Back to work.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Again

I've done it again.
Je suis foutu.
I've trampled all over myself.
I found that old fear. I thought it was gone. I lived without fear for a long time now. And now it came back, did its work, and went dormant again.
I fear of doing damage. I can be relentless and efficient at doing things. I can run over you like a steam-roller. Or do you a favour very fast. Etc. But it's that steam-roller effect I fear. I've trampled on people like this before. Nothing big, minor things, I believe and hope they're all healed by now. But my fear of repeating it isn't.
It hurts me when I get aware I've trampled over someone. It hurts me even more than if I trample over myself. The series of episodes hurting people made its toll. I can't express myself anymore without verifying with everyone if it's okay. In effect I'm locked down. I tell myself I can't do it, I might hurt someone, it could end with all the wrong things and appearances.
The awareness that someone suffers because of me is unbearable. So I get out of my way in any way I can to facilitate everyone with everything I can, and then vanish silently. If a decision affecting other people lies on me, then I start feeling very uncomfortable. Luckilly business decisions are not like that. If only I could apply the same rigor I use at work to people. I did once. But people are not machines. I find it extremely hard to cope with hurting people. So I'm very undecisive.
The thing is I still get those impulses. I simply know when a person desires something. I can "read" people. But acting on it is different. It's not compatible with what I just described. So I get blind on occasions. When it's up to me to act. Here. Now. I fear it. So I probe the area if it's alright for me to do it. But I wouldn't have to ask for confirmation if I wouldn't be blind. I can see it, but I don't have the trust to believe it. It's a magic circle. So I was rejected. Again. I'd say dumped, but it wasn't that serious. There was no negative connotation. If only there weren't for all the confusion in my head. Yes, those confused posts this week were all about this. I felt on a subtle level what I have to do, who I have to be, who I want to be, who I really am, but the fear was too great. Will I ever transform that fear into something beautiful?
I don't trust myself on this area. This is the trust I lack. I trust other people with myself. Sure they can do damage to me. As much as I allow them. They can never destroy me though. There is noone and never will be anyone that could destroy me. It means I have no fear of others hurting me. Whatever decision is fine with me. If it comes out I don't like it then I tailor it according to my needs. Or roll it back. Or apply a counter measure. It's likely I'll estrange from the person doing wrong decisions, but it's not a rule I abide by. It matters what the person is like. It's possible the person will continuously do wrong decisions and I'll just go on correcting them. In such a scenario it is likely my hidden personality will kick in and set matters straight. The steam-roller effect. And I'll probably suffer more because of it than the person I trampled over. Not so much because I did damage, I'll always try to apologise, repair what I've messed up, or at least stop and do nothing if I'm in no position to help anymore. I never caused anything life-destroying or anything even close to it, but it reminds me of my ability that I can. It terrifies me.
To tell you the truth I could probably easilly count on my fingers all the situations I ever caused any suffering. Most of the things I've done right. It's just that in some situations I just failed. Made an error. I could think of excuses: I was busy, stressed, didn't have time, or just didn't feel it's right. But that's not important. I messed it up. Sometimes the way I messed it up gave me an insight how terribly messy I am able to be, and how terribly that could manifest itself.
In the new age talk you could say I carry within myself unexpressed masculine energy. It's right under the hood. Wanting to come out in the open, to express itself in all its majesty. But the thing is, the masculine is a restless energy, it wants to create, do, and unfocused or applied clumsily it can result in tragedies.
And now I'll resort back to my empty heart and peaceful mind. After I've chewed on this for a few days. Or weeks. Like the last time. Until the next situation like this emerges. I was given such a gorgeous gift, an opportunity to be me, with someone else. And I just couldn't, I was afraid. Although I couldn't get more explicit statements not to be afraid. I need help here. But that's contradiction in itself.
Can I get some help?

Bullshit

I'm tired.
I'm tired of rain.
I'm tired of talking.
I'm tired of typing.
I'm tired of buses.
I'm tired of thinking.
I'm tired of feeling.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of summer.
I'm tired of winter.
I'm tired of being happy.
I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired.
I'm always tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of predicting.
I'm tired of history.
I'm tired of seeing.
I'm tired of being blind.
I'm tired of being right.
I'm tired of being wrong.
I'm tired.
I'm just tired.
I'm perpetually tired.

I can read almost all people almost all the time. What I can't read is what I don't want to see. Who I can't read is me.
Why does this world seem so alien? It felt alien since I can remember. I can understand it all. Just I can't fit into it.
I can do wonders. But what would I do with wonders? Collect them in a bag and lock them away?
Miracles are within my reach. But I don't know what to do with them. Nobody needs them.
Maybe a metaphor. I've built a house. Yet I can't decide whether I want to live in it. I think it would be boring. Since I know it all. Well, I should, I've built it. But there's nothing repulsive about it. Okay, I let it be, perhaps even demolish it, just for fun. Short fun. At least I thought it would be. No, it wasn't. Right, I build another. And another. Two houses. Yay. Where to go? Neither, they're just both boring. I yawn. I go away and sit down somewhere. I sit. For a few decades. Then I get bored and build a skyscraper. I don't feel any different about living in a skyscraper.
Core overload. Brain dumped.

Reinitialising..........Done.
Booting kernel.
Self-consciousness [OK]
Knowledge [OK]
Logic [OK]
Emotions [OK]
Starting services.
Morality [OK]
Ethics [OK]
Kindness [OK]
Compassion [OK]
Love [Skipped]
Ready.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Everything

I've observed that quite a lot of people are concerned with their image, their position in the minds of others, sometimes expressed hidden in their belief (yes, almost a religion) about what other people like and think. It's common for people to try to understand or at least find an explanation (even if they don't [want to] understand it) for things, events, life, everything. But that's like plotting your course through your life not taking care for the present moment. Of course I don't mean to say you must not have any plans; thinking this means you missed the point: the point was about taking care for now, this moment. I think it was Albert Einstein who said: "Man muss die Welt nicht verstehen; man muss sich nur darin zurechtfinden." Loosely translated it means you don't have to understand the world, you only have to find your own place in it. Embrace it, accept it, and find your spot where you'll feel at home.
As it's late and I'm tired I wondered what else to add here that would not be too long as I'd like to go to bed soon. :) I took a grapefruit and as I was slowly peeling and eating it I was also thinking about this and I came up with so many things, I could easilly write a book on the topic. So I'll just give you a few links and if you're interested you'll go and research it further. Remember, try to be open minded, and don't judge the message by its messenger.
First, you might be interested in mystical chakras and what's it all about. Then you might think it's crazy to think there ever was Lemuria or that any of us even remember living there. Some would like to start with something lighter, like learning how we perceive our surroundings, in essence explaining how we feel, think, and act: for those perhaps Deep Spring Center would be a good start with its wonderful library also featuring interesting tales of Jesus (I'll let you decide if they are true). If even that's too much for you, then perhaps something closer to the pop culture: pastors Joel Osteen and Bayless Conley have a few important messages for you online. Ermm, if you're going to watch online streams of Osteen, then you might want to forward about 30 minutes into each stream. ;] But don't worry if you feel all this is pretty nutty. Perhaps you like it that way.
Okay, I know this was quite a heavy artillery I shot at you, so I'll conclude with recommending to read a simple book, or even a few books, by Richard Bach. And I don't mean his books on airplanes. Surely everyone at least heard about his beautiful work titled Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Illusions is also a great thought provoker, and The Bridge Across Forever can make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Others are a bit heavy, esoteric if you will, hard to understand, certainly not to be read literally and certainly not to be read only once. ;)

Thursday, September 16, 2004

My Cyborg Name

You know, if I were an American, Englishman, or some other english-speaking dude, my name would probably be Alex. It stems from greek Alexandros, and you know how Greeks pronounce the letter X it's more like an H, and after a few confused persons have chewed on it it becomes Slovenian form: Aleš.
ALEX = Artificial Lifeform Engineered for Xenocide
Nasty. I love it.
And what's your cyborg name?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Bizzare

Man, this is getting bizzare

Ahhmmm.... I think I should tell you this is supposed to be funny.
Sooo... Try to laugh. :]

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Move Any Mountain!

Here, something energising, for all of you out there! (And then some.)

The Shamen - Move Any Mountain

Move any mountain, move any mountain

I will not fail nor falter, I shall succeed
My perception is altered, I do believe
Faith is so strong now nothing shall bar my way
Firm conviction is no fiction
This is my day

I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain

I walk so tall, ascending I stand so high
Earth below me revolving above the sky
I feel no fear to be here is oh so fine
Shining brightly, like sunlight inside my mind

Well you know that any mountain is capable of moving
The Shamen and the new generation who are proving
You can be what you want to be
Let your soul and your body and your mind be free
Well never mind, we all are that
And going all the way is where I'm at
With delivery smooth like water from a fountain
That's why I can move any mountain
Move any mountain

I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
Move any mountain
Move any mountain

Future feeling, new sensation
Body is rocking and the mind is reeling
And rolling race changing motion
Flowing like a river into the ocean
Better get yourself ready for the new vibration
My vision, one nation, one tribe
One day'll come the might to move any mountain

Move any mountain
Move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain

I walk so tall, ascending I stand so high
Earth below me revolving above the sky
I feel no fear to be here is oh so fine
Shining brightly, like sunlight inside my mind

I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain
I can move move move any mountain

Monday, September 13, 2004

Bamboozled

I needed some rest so I left him alone this Sunday... I mean, what can go wrong on a Sunday? You aren't supposed to work or anything on a Sunday, just go around wasting time and generally annoying people, but this Sunday noooo, he had to make a mess! Who would've thought it's possible to twist and swing and rotate and and... and just take a mixer and rip apart whatever is left, all in less than one day? It's soooo like... like a jungle! Messy! Geeez! And he didn't even eat any beef. What's the matter with him? I try to make heads and tails of it, I try to chop my way through and make a map of things so as to see the extent of damage, trying to make a plan how to approach this damn situation I really didn't need, I mean, it was such a nice order, everything in place, accessible whenever needed. And, and, and now! I turn around and I'm unable to retrace my steps! There's just no trail! Nothing! I chop something off, hell, a shitload of odd things, and there's just no effect! And then I can't even find the things that were chopped off!
Wake up you dipstick! Oi! Snap out of it! Give me some room, dammit!
Bloody idiot. He doesn't even recognise me! Did you see that?! He just doesn't comprehend anything! "On Sundays you can take a break, noone needs you then." Yea right... Take a break... And come back to a broken home!
Oi! Stop dreaming, will ya?

-Your mind

Sunday, September 12, 2004

No More Beer

I got better on Friday,
The week's last workday.

There was still something lingering in my throat, but I wanted to finish something at work. I can't let things be unfinished. Not if it's up to me. So I went to work for a rather unproductive day, but I finished what I intended.

Yesterday I wanted to see
An exhibition for free.

A couple of friends are having a photo exhibition in the restaurant GIC near Rogaška Slatina. I know they're reading my blog, so I must include an advertisement. ;) On display are 25 mostly black'n'white photos of women's portraits, I think the proper name is Vintage Pinups, as described on their homepage where almost all photos of the exhibition are also hosted. Certainly worth of seeing; amazing photos, there are also very funny introductory comments attached to every picture. I still can't get the "tick-tacking bouquet of white daisies" comment out of my head.

And today, hopefully witty,
I want to see someone pretty.

Cloudy weather... Will it hold? It must. My throat, too. No rain. No beer. Not today.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Sick

My first day of sick leave this year.
Quelle merde.
Drying my bed. It's like someone would pour a bucket of water over me.
My body is quick and relentless in battling diseases. But this is ridiculous.
It's only a sore throat. Caused by having a cold beer after a workout. And there was a slight draft. And it wasn't warm. And I was hungry most of the day. But no, my body declared a state of emergency and suspended my work, my plans, my future! And it didn't tell me for how long. I'm stymied.
I'm going back to bed now. Martial law is in effect. Punishment for disobedience is too severe to type more. Restoration of health has the upmost priority.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Violence

Is violence a precursor of good things?
The Republican National Convention in USA clearly implied this.
Violence is a dirty patch, not an elegant solution.
You can't achieve a balance with it.
You don't help anyone with it. Not your opponent, neither yourself.
It's a reflex. To a perceived danger. For your integrity. For integrity of your beliefs. For integrity of your society.
It's opposite to freedom. Freedom to do mistakes. Freedom to learn from them. Freedom to change. Freedom to accept.
With violence you deny those freedoms from yourself.
Your opponent doesn't need more violence.
He needs to get rid of it.
So tell me.
Are you able to break the circle?
Try. You yourself are the greatest challenge.
It's not easy. I know.
It doesn't sound just. I know.
It's not right. Yeah.

You don't have to do it.
But it would be nice.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Today The Joke Is On Me

AlesS finds a frog in the bushes along the road, who asks him to kiss her, claiming it to be this cursed princess who'd do anything for him if he saves her. AlesS indeed picks her up, puts her in his pocket, and goes home. At home he puts her on a shelf and the frog asks him again: "Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess! I'll be yours your whole life and I'll fulfil your every wish!" But AlesS replies: "Dear princess -- I'm a programmer and I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is very cool."

Sunday, September 05, 2004

White Wine is Evil

The picknick was great. But they only had white wine. I don't like white wine. Red is good. White is a no-no. It messes with my stomache and my head in a rather nasty way.
The company was great. Old people, but they know what fun is. Singing and jokes all the time. Only I could drink only white wine. There was no red wine. There was no beer. Only some soft drinks I thought would make me even more sick than the white wine. And I don't like white wine. It's evil. It causes my stomache to spin.
The food was... Okay, let us not go into this. My aunt organized the thing. So why did I expect some edible meat? Doh. I found a few edible pieces nonetheless. Okay, the food was not that terrible. Compared to white wine. I don't like white wine. They said it was good, but I don't believe it. There is no such thing as a good white wine. No white wine is good. None.
The jokes were great. We laughed like nuts. Hopefully I'll remember some of them. But the wine... I don't like white wine. Really. I don't. White wine should be reclassified as an insecticide or something. It's nasty. Now I have a mild headache. I'm already levelling it off with huge amounts of water. Probably those vertebras aren't yet where they should be either. I'd need someone to jump on my back.
Next time I'll bring my own wine to drink. Or beer. Yeah, Guinness. I can't stand white wine. Maybe if used in pickling. I don't think it was meant for drinking. I'm sure that at one time someone intended to take revenge over someone by giving him some white wine to drink. And suddenly people drink it. Just like religion. I'm sure it too wasn't meant to take over the world. It was only meant to tell someone something and leave it at that.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Yawn and Peace

Ah, a wonderful trip with train. Air conditioning. I almost caught a cold. Outside it was at least 5°C warmer. And my neck needs realignment. Damn seats. Now I have a headache. I just can't get vertebras back into the right position.
I'm visiting my mom and sister. Tomorrow we'll be attending a family picknick. Family in a veeery broad sense. Most of the folks that will be there I never saw before. In fact, everyone but my aunt with her family. That shall be interesting. Not! I equipped myself with a stack of business cards anyway. Let them eat dirt. And I'll enjoy the barbecue.
And on Monday I'll hire a company to replace a couple of windows in my mom's house. They're in a really bad shape.
I need a chiropractic. Or an hour of karate training.
No! A masseuse! ;)

Sad

Another massacre. More than a hundred children dead in a school in Russia. And before that a woman blows herself up. And two planes explode. And a bus in Israel. Mounting casualties in Iraq. Genocide in Darfur. ...

Sometimes I wonder what is the big plan.
Why all this. Who can show me some reason.
Why do we need this. Who can heal this.
Why are there monsters. Who can tame them.

So many adults playing games with people's lives. I wonder if they can be saved. Whether there's still a way to open their eyes.
Perhaps reading some poetry written by Mattie Stepanek.

"An eye for an eye will only leave the whole world blind." --Mahatma Gandhi

Friday, September 03, 2004

Nothing

Late summer sun sitting in the sky
Invites me to go up there and fly
With naughty clouds all day to spy

What is the purpose of flying I ponder
What possible use is there of a wonder
When my mind stands alone and yonder

Watching it all through my window
I sit quiet feeling emptiness grow
Waiting for what tomorrow will show

HTML+CSS and Layout

This is soooo twisted I just don't like it. Okay, let me see if I can find a beginning to this.
I have some amateurish knowledge about desktop publishing. I know (or knew, since it's been a long time since I last used it) TeX and LaTeX. I like it very much; if it were left to me, I'd write everything using LaTeX and send .tex, .dvi or .pdf files around. But no, I have to write things so they can be opened with Word, but that's another story.
Now I have this problem: lay out an HTML document so it looks like this:

This is the first line.
And centered.

The catch is in displaying what follows the first line so that it's centered relative to the first line, and the first line must start at the left margin. Not center everything to the whole width of the browser's window, like this:

This is the first line.
And centered.

With LaTeX, no problem: \vbox{centered content}\hfill, but with HTML I have to use a table, like this:

<table>
  <tbody>
    <tr>
      <td>
        bloody centered content
      </td>
    </tr>
  </tbody>
</table>

Awful. And it even doesn't work always, like if you're messing with styles. Like this damn blogger thing. For it I had to "enhance" the code with a few more tricks. The final code is this annoying kaboodle:

<table>
  <colgroup>
    <col width="0*" />
    <col width="*" />
  </colgroup>
  <tbody>
    <tr>
      <td>
        <div style="text-align: center">
          <span style="border-style: solid; border-color: red; border-width: thin">This&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;line.</span><br />
          <span style="border-style: solid; border-color: blue; border-width: thin">And centered.</span>
        </div>
      </td>
      <td>
      </td>
    </tr>
  </tbody>
</table>

Anyway, this is not the recommended way of formatting. Tables are meant for tabular data, they're meant for logical data encapsulation, not visual formatting of pages. For anything visual, there's CSS. But the only way I can achieve that with CSS is to use the "position: absolute" or "position: fixed" style. And I don't want that. Absolute positioning means I'd have to provide the positioning parameters (top, left, width, height). At least I think so. The CSS specs are so complicated I don't fully grok them yet. And I don't know how wide is the first line. It depends on what font the browser is using to display it. So I'm doomed. Unless I'll discover some CSS magic.

If I could only code a proggy that would emit LaTeX code, then compile it to .dvi, convert to .pdf, and finally send it to the client. Instead of HTML code. But that wouldn't be interactive, I need users to click and fill out forms.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Lessons of Life, #3

Don't start your day too early!
I did. Yesterday. I've been all sleepy. All day. And shocking people carelessly. ;) Came home at 22:00. Found some milk in the fridge, boiled it, and got curd plus whey. I think it was sour. I just left it there for today to figure out what to do with it. :]
Today I got up all tired and sleepy. Came to the office at 12:40. Exercising my yawn. A lot. I found my boss at the office. He asked me whether I was partying the whole night. "No, just the whole morning." Man, I'm just sooooo tired. "You must tell her to let you have some sleep." Hmmm.... No comment. I give up. I'm too tired for this.
I need more tea. And then a lobotomy, if it doesn't work.